How To Hand Over Bribes

The Kakuei Tanaka Way

Alrighty you bribe-delivering political aspirants, here’s the grand master’s lessons on how to hand out political bribes. Read it carefully because you will need to execute this perfectly.

1. Everybody you will hand over the bribe to, thinks they are a good person. They might even be a good person, but the important thing is they think they’re good people. So to them, needing this money is the worst feeling in the world. It’s particularly bad at the very moment when they receive the money packet.

2. Therefore when you hand the money over, be very careful, because this is the moment that counts. Don’t toss it over the table as if it doesn’t matter. If you even have half a thought like that, the other party will recognise it in you. Then it won’t matter a penny that you’re handing over 100million yen. Instead, you should get down on your knees and grovel as you hand over the money. At least, approach it that way.

3. Hand over the bribe to the target and nobody else.

4. Always hand it over where there is nobody else there. Even if it has to be done in a toilet cubicle.

5. Never, ever, ever hand it over to their campaign manager or secretaries. This is because you’ll hurt the integrity of the bribe-receiver in the eyes of his subordinates. They shouldn’t have to know where the money comes from or why.

6. If you have no choice, hand it to their spouse, but you have to make sure they’re tight. You have to be the best judge of character to decide it.

7. The point of this is politics, and the point of politics is to lessen your enemies and create a great field of intermediates who are favorably disposed towards you. It’s more important to have fewer enemies than to have more allies.

Good luck with the package, son. Then again, there’s always Beth Morgan who was happy just to get a good shagging.

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